Men in Therapy
Talking about men and men's issues in the current climate can be fraught, and I'll preface this article with a preliminary note.
I work as a counsellor with men, women and non-binary adults. But as we'll explore here, therapy is notoriously often less effective for men than for women, and as a male-identifying individual in a field dominated by women (who has experienced plenty of therapy from the client's side as well) it seems appropriate for me to share my perspective. For the sake of simplicity, this is being written from a fairly hetero, binary point of view, and there's so much more to say when accounting for the broader range of gender expression and sexuality. But I want to be concise here, so these complexities will be addressed elsewhere, and I acknowledge that this won't be relatable to everyone.
And on that note...
Men are in a peculiar situation these days, being on one hand uniquely privileged and powerful, and on the other eminently alienated, often stunted, lonely, resentful and destructive. There's a lot of confusion about what it means to be a man, as some find compelling identity in a classic masculinity, some explore more flexible visions of manhood, and others reject the concept of gender altogether. We hear all too often about "toxic masculinity" and that "men have fallen behind", no longer so economically advantaged, no longer the assumed leaders of society. Alarming numbers of men no longer feel needed or valued. Many feel they'd be better off dead.
This perceived loss of power and purpose is upsetting to many, seen as representative of the decay of traditional culture, and blame has been launched at everything from capitalism to feminism, from social media to the lack of active warfare in the West - as well as at men themselves. The truth is, most everyone aside from the wealthiest 1% is struggling. No humans before those living now have ever experienced such incredibly rapid cultural and technological evolution, and so much uncertainty about the future. People can hardly afford to live or raise families, and women are grappling with all of this in their own ways, but we're talking about the guys here.
Especially among young men, there is an epidemic of purposelessness, of loneliness, and poor mental health. There is a dearth of strong, healthy, inspiring male role models for boys to look up to, and far too many grow up with fathers who are either unengaged, abusive or totally absent.
To a considerable extent, the mental health world has also failed men, and a deep-rooted stigma persists in our culture around men even acknowledging their problems, never mind seeking help for them - independence and competence are core to our collective conception of masculinity, and vulnerability is generally seen as weakness, and as feminine (ingrained homophobia presents itself here as well). Compounding the problem, there's a tendency for men's issues and men's pain to be dismissed as frivolous and even deserved karmic retribution for untold generations of social dominance. Many a man has come to resent the accusations of inherent privilege, when subjectively life can feel like an unending barrage of failures, losses, rejections and disappointments. The attitude of "how can men suffer? The world is made for men!" automatically invalidates anything but confidence and satisfaction from this privileged class.
Unfortunately, men do suffer, and most of them have no one to talk to. Approximately three times as many men as women commit suicide (re: Canadian statistics) they have significantly higher rates of addiction, and the field of mental health nowadays is a markedly feminine space, so the unique experiences of men often go unexpressed and unappreciated in the public sphere. To make it worse, much mental health and personal development content aimed at (younger) men is legitimately harmful, both to the individual men consuming it and to society at large. The online "manosphere" is dominated by figures who exploit the loneliness and resentful aimlessness of young men for their own gain, only to further alienate, embitter and enrage their audiences. These communities often become incubators for misogyny, bigotry and alt-right radicalism of all kinds, and can in some cases turn deadly.
As a result of both nature and nurture, men are generally less consciously aware of their emotions, and less able to express them verbally than women. This can present a problem for the man who, perhaps in crisis, dares push through the stigma to seek out counselling, only to find he is expected to talk about his feelings in great depth - a skill that is likely underdeveloped, and extremely uncomfortable.
Not only is it more difficult, but talking about feelings for the sake of processing, being witnessed and validated is not typically as healing for men as it is for women. This isn't to say that it isn't worthwhile - men are often weak at identifying, managing and responding skilfully to emotions, and building these muscles makes life easier, richer and more fulfilling - but it isn't enough, and men tend to leave therapy frustrated when this is the primary focus. This is becoming more widely recognized, fortunately, and the rise of more complementary modalities presents us with better tools for helping men to heal and live better lives.
The worst things for men are purposelessness and inaction. And this is why this current era of disempowerment is particularly troubling for men - they thrive when engaged in meaningful, challenging activity, maintaining a sense of forward motion, and earning the respect of their communities. These things are attainable, but objectively much more difficult without some amount of support and guidance, whether from a father, friend, romantic partner, mentor, coach or therapist.
What I believe - and hear from other men in the space - is that effective counselling for men must be solution-focused. Yes, it's essential to establish an understanding of our emotional landscape and our reasons for feeling, thinking and behaving as we do, but this only gets us so far. The value of therapy for men lies in using these personal insights to overcome obstacles both within and without to chart a compelling path forward, to deliberately build a life worth living.
And it's true for all people, but especially for men, that good health absolutely requires a strong relationship with one's physical body (testosterone, mostly boosted by good sleep, regular strenuous exercise and a balanced diet, is essential for men's health). This means attunement to the needs, signals and vicissitudes of the body, as well as development of one's physical capacities. A man cannot feel mentally or emotionally vibrant without cultivating sustainable strength and resilience.
Happily for men, somatic (or body-based) therapeutic techniques are becoming more widely embraced by the mental health community, as we adapt to a more nuanced understanding of the integrity of body and mind. Men generally express emotion more through action than with words, and it is for this reason that somatic therapies are so well suited for men, who can learn more skilfully to move emotional energy through their bodies, and to recognize the meaning of previously inscrutable physical sensations and conditions.
In Conclusion...
It's not controversial to say that men aren't in a good way, and could use more help. I do believe that the mental health world (which, bear in mind, is still more or less in its infancy) is starting to learn how to better accommodate the needs of men, but there's still a long way to go, which may be a topic for further exploration sometime. Men would do well to focus on solution-focused and somatic therapies in addition to simply building emotional intelligence, and moreover to become secure enough in our own masculinity to be able to guide and support each other. Along these lines, another silver lining is the proliferation of men's groups, which are a vital support and an opportunity to provide value for many men.
Ultimately, the journey of figuring out what it means to be a man is unique for everyone, and no matter what it means to you, you'll find someone who disagrees, who may feel disgusted or threatened by your way of being in the world. This is why being clear and secure in one's self is fundamental to good mental health, and why it's so important for men to seek help from those who understand, who are both open-minded and discerning.
